Tuesday. Today will be having a meeting with staff- on Fire Safety and Code White. Can't imagine a Pharmacist like me require to brief the staff on such topic which I'm not familiar with. Anyway, it's time of learning for all of us too: basic topic on what to do during Fire disaster or Mass Disaster. How to use Fire Extingusher and common understanding of the Fire Break glass panel, Fire alarm, Fire Exit. Evacuation Plan etc. Sounds interesting.
Yesterday had supper with Roland and Celina. Informative discussion on Ministry. I know deep in my heart that the passion for Ministry and church has been cool. "Cooling" isn't a good word to use. I felt pretty sad yesterday after the discussion. Probably what Roland said is true- his view and stand on Ministry, yet I still find very hard to flow in the Ministry as how I used to be. And that should have some time-frame so that the passion will not be diluted and getting far off and disconnect. I understand that fully, but I still couldn't do anything. What I know is I just want to be cool down, be in the place where I can just be myself, not bound by anything. Or probably that is the rebellious natue in me. Or is it that I couldn't accept myself. Or how? I don't know, what I know is that my relationship with others isn't well, not in the sense of having dispute or bitterness towards others, not of being angry of jeolous of others. It's just the nature of me, being quite passive, and getting angry and impatience esily nowadays. Where is the fruit of the Spirit? How is my relationship with God? Am I still angry with Him? How could I? Searching deep within, I couldn't stand the brokenness felt within. Is that another rolling emotion and depair spirit? How to counter that? How to use the Word of God, to stay positive? I'm so amazed by how Roland reacted after he lost his wallet. In such time like this, he choose to praise God, to stand and praise God. If I'm in such condition how should be my reaction? If something happen around me that seems unfavourable how should I thank God? He gives and He takes away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord! What's wrong with me Lord? I couldn't reach Your heart.... I need Your power in me. Father, what's wrong with me? Is it me? Or I should laid my eyes off myself, focus on Him. Lift up your eyes unto the Lord, who does your help comes from, Your help comes from the Lord of the heaven and earth...
I wonder of my relationship with God. Or my relationship with others. It seems cold, cool...that it just like being injected with anaesthetic drugs- no feeling, not initiative. Am I in self pity again? Probably I should not have saying the things that pulling down the Spirit. Probably I need to choose to Praise, to Praise, to Praise...
Talking about openness, honesty. I'll be sharing the subject this Fri. It challenges me again preparing for such lesson- in which I know deep within I am not open, I'm not easily sharing out my heart, and I'm close so that not to be vulnerable to be hurt. Is it God trying to ask me to be more open, more vulnerable? Open up yourself, be yourself, don't worry to be hurt. It's okay- trust me to heal.
Oh God! I'm so tired. Revive my heart once again...
Ps 119: 33-40
Teach me, O LORD, the way of Your statutes,
And I shall keep it to the end.
Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law;
Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,
For I delight in it. Incline my heart to Your testimonies, And not to covetousness.
Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things,
And revive me in Your way......
Revive me in Your righteousness.
